Hell, I always expect others to reach that state of mind where I order thoughts and rearrange my plans. But most people in places where I roam around aren't permanently fucked by Shiva but protected by Vishnu, maybe for their entire lives or at least until they lose their loved ones. So, no one who's not with me on a regular basis would fully understand the paths I choose. In my view, Shiva is the boss, whether I like it or not; and I would not have learned anything if I thought different, if had a different and, therefore, laid-back attitude towards life as it is. The hell I'm living in is defined by chaos and, probably, once some of your loved ones are gone you might get here too.
But that mustn't frustrate you cuz when everything is in Shiva and Shiva is in everything, there's Shiva in you and you have at least partially leverage to design what is going on. Then you know that people who tell you that there is nothing you can do about a concept called destiny,... you know that those guys wanna cripple your precious mind, hoping to find Leidensgenossen for the horseshit they have been ruining their own lives with. You can always change your life, but if you make your thoughts move in order to direct your way consciously, you might walk alone most of the time; and it's mere hardship if you don't find kind fools who sometimes accompany you on your way...
Honest to myself, I know that my real life began on May 21 in the year 2006, where I met my best and maybe only true friend (not counting my father) for the first time. I lost her an estimated eighteen years ago and when I couldn't cope with the loss, my friend Jürgen back then told me that I shouldn't mourn for her cuz she wasn't dead. Back then I felt as if I had to treat my mindset as if she was dead to me if I wanted her soul to be as free as mine; and that is--up to this day--the only maxim I wish to grant every feeling soul. But Jürgen's words would give me hope to see her again before I'm burned beyond recognition.
Every couple of years I googled her name, desperately hoping she'd put herself on the spot; but if you knew her you'd know she'd never do that or maybe didn't have the power, wish or urge to do so. A few months ago, I found her anyway and figured that it wasn't her who put her on the spot--which is why I have to make sure I wouldn't "hunt her down" unknowingly. Also, I mustn't waste too much of my precious and fully limited time chasing a sadist-made ghost, unleashed in the name of arts, that isn't the friend I want back but a trap for the stubborn, stupid fuck I can be...
I want my words to be understood and my writings to be read. However, I'm putting myself in a far too vulnerable position if I told you too much about the story of her and I. Instead I'll tryna outline the philosophical and sometimes solely ideological tools of thought that I think help my soul best to create composure for the next hundred days [+/-] for which I expect hardship and injury instead of protection and care, irritation and annoyance instead of solidifying hope, and order through rationality long before I 'd receive fostering emotion through chaos. I won't have much control over what really might happen these estimated hundred days; but chances are high I won't be brain-fucked before I find the exit sign of the hell I'm presently diving thru. So, here we go:
WORK IN PROGRESS
Struggling with time
when trying to find my soulmate
in order to not run beserk again,..
Good with that title?.....
Pinpointing the a-prioris ONLY for this single task ahead
At the moment I can't really count many trustworthy friends; and I think I can only keep the few I still have if I don't mention them in my writings. However, sometimes when I had serious talks with friends in whatever distant past, I regularly had to tell them "Du hoitst Såch'n für sölbstvaständlich, nur wal's für di normal san und du damit guat z'recht kummst"一"You take things for granted as if they were a given for everyone in every situation simply cuz things work out for you seeing iut that way"; and then I would start to explain why the world is not so easy for everyone, even if they give their best whenever they can.
In philosophy, the word for the givens we set for a start is apriori. To make a thought accessible to the mind of our recipients, we need our aprioris, so that the message within a logical and therefore closed mindset or philosophical approach is clear and understandable. Well, if it's actually a logical and closed text I'll come up with, it might be more ideology than philosophy, that way more religion than philosophy since religions are famous for promptly having an answer for everything any time.
Anyway, if I manage to put it philosophical, you'd have certain thoughts and questions that give space to even more thoughts that can be both mind-blowing and frustrating. I'll tryna provide you with both and let you direct your own voyage of thought. That way I'm less manipulative. How does that read? Fine with it?
Well,.. that typed down, here are the "givens" in this post that might be "givens" in writings to follow:
- Everything I utter in this post will be rendered into German. You'll find a hyperlink to the German translation in this post. If the meaning you interpreted isn't the same as in the German version, you got the message wrong. The German translation will be a parallel text manually translated sentence-by-sentence with paraphrased extra sentences with the same meaning to kinda give a guarantee for precise understanding. I will add a bold :D if things can be missunderstood with ease--cuz I want you to understand even that.
- Theoretically you can understand everything I write if you spend enough time reading. If you don't understand a sentence, you should read it again.
- It is not necessary to believe in supernatural beings to understand the ideas of this post. Supernatural beings portrayed in this post serve as actors in a fantasy play who convey virtues human beings can adapt as guidance and/or orientation in real life situations. All the godly characters are [to a certain extend] arbitrarily reinterpreted characters and inspired by sources such as websites found via Google search, subculture an/or underground scripture, university lectures and gospel. Mainstream religious institutions will tell you different stories and interpret their chosen gods differently.
- Alleging that Buddhism wasn't a religion but a world view is not a fact but simply lazy marketing; labeling something as spiritual is just as vague and gives just as much space for/to interpretation as the belief in supernatural beings and the belief in eternal life. The concept of spirituality is therefore part of the ancient metaphysics and will not be put into discourse in this contemporary post and/or writings related to it.
- You live in the Here and Now--yes--but if you can read you may have spent time living and learning how to read in the past; and you will live--and maybe even read--in the future if you do not die in this very moment.
- Acceptance is not always the smartest option since condoning assholes gives them too much power in the long run.
- You should use comdoms if you regularly perform anal with a multitude of partners. :D
- As the creator of this post I do not have access to godly or absolute truth. There might even be more truth in Scandinavian vodka or comparable spirits.
- Cars driving around in circles isn't sport.
- Shooting animals for sports isn't sport.
- Animals have feelings; and plants only have stress.
- If Allah exists and is as great as they say, he won't take this post serious.
- For a feeling mortal being in this world, time is valuable; and you may have to spend time with feeling mortal beings when they are valuable to you personally.
- Unlike many things and beings you have doubts about, let's say, maybe only for this particularly writing, that you and I exist.
My existentialism in a nutshell
To explain my own existence in relation to everything that might have been, is and will be big history, I consider it best to illustrate my train of thoughts. So, let's put in basic math and logic to assure that every reader can get what I mean:
To understand me, you can chose whatever absolute entity you prefer. Let it be God/Allah in the world view of Abrahamic monotheism; let it be what Buddhists call Being; let it be Eternity for the astrophycicist. Whatever. To make sense of it, we as human beings need at least a starting point--since we think in stories. You may start with the first lines of the book Genesis or the Big Bang Theory--not important. Let's now simply picture all existence of space and time on a one-dimensional horizontal, endless line and put a point right in the middle of the visible spectrum that stands for life on Earth.
By the way: In a geometric depiction, a point corresponds to a minimally small area which, if relevant for a measurement within a geometric construct, is clearly visible to the recipient as depicted in Illustration 1.
 |
| Not that hard yet, right? |
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Illustration 2
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Illustration 3
Repeating basics of chaos in a nutshell
In the beginning of this post I mentioned Shiva--the god of chaos, if you want--and I told you that this fucker is boss. Chaos, however, isn't a phenomenon of religion but one of science--and it is not the same as coincidence: Whereas humans invented the concept of coincidence to lazily ignore things and then don't understand certain things, the chaos principles explains how the slightest irregularities in almost all systems of nature bring about a difference within the system...
So, imagine a single butterfly... no, wait. Single butterflies might be sad and lonely. Let's put it that way:
Imagine a pair of butterflies moving up and down in the open air on a sunny summer day, one of the butterflies makes a flap and the chain reaction that follows that little movement leads to a hurricane on the other end of the world. In science we, therefore, call it the butterfly effect.
By the way, the biologist who first explained this effect obviously had a thing for butterflies since the image of these wonderful colorful creatures gets stuck in mind. But bats, all sorts of bats or, let's say, birds, all sorts of birds flap their wings and could serve as examples for that effect. Try it out:
Anyway, the thing that you have to understand is simply that chaos has it rules, small things make a difference and if you have an eye for these little things you might be one of those who understand why the weather can change quickly. But take it with a hint of salt, you usually don't know precisely when and why--just like Quaxi, the Wetterfrosch.
The experiment to the chaos principle, by the way, is quite simple: Boil a pot of water once, twice or thrice, choosing the same level of heat every time. The water will roughly start boiling after the same time but the bubbles you then observe reach the top chaotically; and that means order in sum and always chaos in between.
Existentialism and chaos
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Defining the mix of characters
Generally, I'm not the one to guide myself with fantasy stories since I only want to live and think in a world that is real, with thoughts and a logic mindset that is based on fully factual horseshit. But that is me today. I used to spend decades (yes, I'm that fucking old already;) reading religious bullshit and narratives about supernatural beings of all kind, hoping to find a lie I can live with. Of course, I didn't – but well-thought-out god stories used to be cool long before Marvel's Thor movies, especially when the main actors, those omnipotent bullies, act like asocial humans; cuz then they're accessible. I assume, that's why some nuts want to be considered godlike and untouchable, when they're factually simply lost and fucked-up mentally. They certainly simply try to give themselves back some space and freedom they might have lost thru conventions of the society they live in.
.....and that's where I see myself right now: aware of a reality embroidered with white lies, hypocrisy, darkness and falsehood, excluded from society [maybe] as a warning for everyone else who presently thinks about fucking with the wrong ones. All alone, facing but not fearing prosecution.
But unlike many or even most people, I hate to be alone and don't find solace when no one's around. Even so, I carry with me a permanent feeling of hatred and frustration that I don't want any other feeling being to receive. So I sent an open invitation to the Official Association of Gods Entitled to Lure, Entice, Irritate and Torture to accompany me on my trip back whence I came from.
I thought a few of these idiots might respond since atheism is on the rise and those losers are all losing believers these days--and I was right; cuz in the very moment I sent off the invitation, my phone rang and the display showed "God"; and I thought "Oh, my God. This must be a miracle." I picked up quickly, eager to zeal a deal:
This is a joke, isn't it? God? Is it you?
Yes, my son.
You might not believe it
and I know it has been a while,
but you know that my plan is made to last forever.
For you it might have felt as if decades have gone by
that I kept you waiting but, don't forget,
every single one of the creatures I created on this earth
are but one tone in my endless melody.
Yeah God,
that's what I always hated about your big plan:
You never put things in perspective
and far too often you let people suffer for their entire lives:
We all know what you did with Job, Bro;
you even had some of your lackeys put that shit on paper, cabron.
Unlike most of your believers I read your stupid book.
Don't fuck with me.
I know, my son. I know...
You might feel frustrated;
you might have been angry;
and you might have had doubts about what purpose you have in life,
but I see that you're not feeling good and you don't know what to do.
That's why I wanted to remind you that my gates are always open for you.
Yes, go on...
I see, your life has been quite a burden lately;
and I want to help you.
So, my beloved son, trust me once again
and let me do some of the hard work for you.
I know, you don't want to endure all this pain.
You're seeking mitigation.
Yes?....
I know you had your own plans.
You put a few Excel sheets together,
you made a few notes to properly check the budget,
but,... my son...
Let me organize your trip for you.
Let thy lord be your shepherd
during these seemingly endless days of despair,
my weak and helpless sheep.
My lord, what do you have in mind?
I'll have a few things to prepare
to make everything run smoothly;
and it will take some time before we can start.
Give me some time,
be patient, and,.. in the meantime,..
do what you want.
When these words reached my ears, within a cigarette length clouds appeared on the sky above me and all went dark. A shiver ran down my spine and I realized what was going on...
The hell,
I totally forgot:
God is dead!!!
SATAN,
YOU BLOODY COWARD,
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER FROM?
A loud, dark and frightening laughter came from the other end of the line...
Huahahahahahaha.
YOU ALMOST FELL FOR IT, YOU MORON.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
You're just as stupid as you've been back in the day
when I first fistfucked your little teenage ass
the day the drunken cokehead handed you your first magic mushrooms
Huahahahahaha
YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.
YOU'LL GET THAT BACK, SUCKER.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU I USED TO FUCK IN PRISON
You've never been in prison, loser.
You just wish,
so that at least real men would have fucked your girl ass
the last twenty years, huahahahaha.
I HATE YOU.
SWALLOW JIZZ AND SUFFOCATE ON IT,
YOU DIRTY LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT. YOU... you...
... I suddenly realized that I did precisely what Satan wanted me to do when I uttered these words. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and kept my ears on the phone, desperatley trying to show Satan that she has no control over me any longer. And Satan lowered his voice and gently giggled.
You asked for help on a billboard
pretty much the size of football field.
Did you think I wouldn't answer?
In a calm but dominant way I whispered:
Of course, you would.
And I won't be able to sort you out,...
even if I wanted...
I almost knew you'd want to be in...
.....
Whatever party I'd organize,
the best security in the world
couldn't keep you out of it...
I'll bring drugs,
a hell of a lot.
How does that sound for you?
That's pretty much everything you do, right?
Bringing drugs?
I don't know you any better.
The best, darling.
the best.
I know.
But I'll decide which ones I'll take..
..or if I'll do drugs at all.
You'll have nothing to say on our way, buddy;
try me.
So, you'll let me know when it all starts?
You'll figure that out by yourself, Lucy.
That said, I hung up the phone, sobbed a few minutes; cuz I love Satan; and she knows that she can therefore hurt me if she really wanted to. I then rolled a splith and knocked myself out with it, in order to calm down and let the anger temper out completely. I fell asleep and woke up an estimated hour later when I suddenly heard a loud sound coming from my Mac that I hadn't heard in ages. The Skype icon below the desktop screen jumped up and down frantically. I clicked on it, a window with a camera icon appeared right in the middle of the screen and the word SIDDHARTA appeared next to an icon of the Indian flag. I pushed the camera icon and some kinda blurry shit that I couldn't fully grasp with my eyes appeared in a little window. I put on full screen and then--experiencing the entire vision--realized it was Buddha videocalling me: He hovered in the middle of the screen as a dark silhouette, enveloped in a light eyesore of an aura in a sorta Eden-like environment. Of course, lots of flowers, a couple of trees that I hardly ever see in Europe, colorful plants, a tiger, an elephant, a handful of cows, butterflies, rhinos and shit were in the screen composition..... and I just thought: "The Hell, I don't need that cheap, stereotypical batshit now", turned up the volume of my microphone, tried to remain calm--since it was Buddha calling me--but couldn't fully control myself when I almost yelled into the mic:
Buddha, old fuck!
Can't believe it's you!!
I didn't give you my gmail.
How the hell did you find out my Skype name?
Yah, hi Michael,
Also glad to see you.
It wasn't that hard to find out
since it's your first name, your last name
and an Austrian phone number added.
I assume, privacy wasn't that much an issue for you
back in the day, when you created your account...
Well,.. yeah.
That actually makes sense.
My bad.
But hey, great you're calling, but..
no hard feelings,...
I just thought...
...
...and you know,...
I have to be grateful for everyone willing to help,...
I mean, no one has less friends than me, but..
How do I put it?......
...
Let's try this one:
Ähäm...
When I organize a trip..
I consciously take into account that things might get messy
cuz, we then usually do things quite straight-forward,
we stick to our direction
we sometimes drink a lot
we talk off assholes when they try to mess with us
we really try to change things that went awry in the past
in order to not get brainfucked in the future,
yeah, you hear me?
And that is pretty much what I try to tell you:
Every time I am with you
and your half-witted followers
they're cowshitting me with things like
Accept things as they are and dwell;
there is no god, but there is spirituality;
let's sit in the grass and meditate;
all that shit,
you know what I'm talking about, right?
And also that stupid choose-the-middle-way-approach of life,
you know: it always depends where you draw the line,
where you pinpoint the beginning and the end
in order to find the middle,
So, if you're fully honest,
you'd have to admit
that your not quite sophisticated ancient religion
is all just a stupid ancient hoax and...
and then you may not believe what happened cuz suddenly Buddha yelled at me:
MICHAEL,
SHUT THE FUCK UP
ONE MORE WORD AND I HANG UP
YOU JUST SAID IT: YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH FRIENDS,
SO BE THANKFUL FOR THE FEW WHO TRY TO HELP
YOU HEAR MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
and then I was fully flabbergasted and would have loved to see my own stupid face the moment he did that. And he softly continued:
Allright,
just to make that clear:
I expected you to have that attitude
cuz I read your bullet points
in your brief apriori or whatever chapter
of that know-it-all pseudo-philosophical post,
so you don't have to repeat that horseshit for me, right?
Yeah, of course, right, sorry.
I mean, ähm...
Yah, now we're talkin'
Can't believe I made that call
since you're such an idiot...
...
Anyway. Where was I?...
Yeah,..
I just wanted to tell you:
Shiva and Vishnu are presently in the neighbourhood
and – you won't guess it –
they're here on vacation
and both don't have much to do, so,
how about you call them on Teams
tomorrow at 4 P.M.
Why 4 P.M.?
Well, a little bird told me
they'll have a chess session
in a parlor right around the corner
where you could talk to them
in peace and quiet
Hey Buddha,
that actually sounds great.
I mean...
Could you give me the Teams data
I need to make that call
or something?
Zh...
Nah, take off the pink sunglasses,
you'll figure that out by yourself, prick.
Such an idiot...
And then he hung up; and I just thought, wow, first time talking to Buddha... what an astounding personality. Never thought he would be that kinda guy. You read one light book of a German genius writer about him and think you know everything about him--and than this. Just awesome. I hope, he'll call again. But he certainly won't...
One evening later I downloaded Teams.
[..]
How to respect and tolerate nihilists and "The Atheist Belief".......................................
.....and why you're smart when you do that in a secular state where everyone is on the clock
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Mankind is evil; and some evil we can fight
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Facing pure darkness for a start
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The questions that guide me on my way
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Why I don't have much more time
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